he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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