the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
