Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
