So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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