I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
