Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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