i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
