who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
