It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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