Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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