gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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