Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
