never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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