Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
