As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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