I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
