What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
