she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
