my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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