her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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