omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Randomize
