Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
