I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i was born a porn star she said
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
