everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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