Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Text me some of your sweat
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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