Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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