I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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