my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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