just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
