My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
