dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
