I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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