Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I have fence marks all over my body
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
