Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
