TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize