i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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