Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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