Whod you bang
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
