How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
