she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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