So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
