This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
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