he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
