I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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