if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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