god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
there is puke in my bra ... again
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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