bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
