I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
