Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
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