dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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