Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
