dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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