just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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