Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Randomize
